One extremely saddening sight to witness is seeing the slow deterioration of the spiritual life of those around you; and of yours as well. Whatever the reason or cause may be, people are becoming more and more busy. Most of it is due to work and with whatever free time is left afterwards, most of it is spent just trying to rest up or being ambitious in trying to experience new things and pick up new hobbies. And that's how it's supposed to be, right? When else are you supposed to try new things and visit places that you've always wanted to see?
But at the same time, it's undeniable that God is becoming more and more of a marginal part in most people's lives; some sort of superficial accessory. I'm sure that if you bring up the topic of traveling to other countries or trying out upscale restaurants or anything else along those lines, you can probably engage in hours of conversations with a wide range of people. But if you were to bring up God in the conversation, I'd give it 5 ... 10 minutes max until the conversation completely dies out. And if it does last longer than that, it's mostly empty blabbering that's not even worth having. I don't think this is the case because people don't want to talk about it or that they feel uncomfortable, it's just that there's not much to talk about. Nobody's really reading their Bibles on a daily basis and engaging in any serious prayer. Nobody is really allowing their relationship with God to steer the way they're living their lives. Actually, nobody is even really taking part in a relationship with God. As cliched as it may be, God is honestly part of a religion to most people, rather than being an actual living God that you can engage with every moment of the day.
I guess my point is that I see how the lives of Christians, especially those around my age, are being affected by the regression of their spiritual lives and it's so sad. The innocence and purity in people's lives are progressively disappearing. Nobody is really living lives worth emulating or respecting. I only say this and feel I am able to identify this in part because I sense the same degradation in my own life and it's unbelievably frustrating. And I can only believe that most of the Christians who are living as pitiful lives as I am feel the same unbearable discontentment.
One thing that drives me nuts is when I meet and think about people who are struggling in ways in which I can actually offer help in alleviating their suffering and struggles, I have such a minuscule amount of genuine concern. I've only been back from Uganda for about a month now and I know the situation there. I've spent 3 months with impoverished people who are dying of diseases that can be easily treated. I've lived with missionaries who sacrifice so much and live such humble lives. Yet, now that I'm back home, it's so easy to forget about all of that. I hate how when situations that God's compassionate heart is burning for is presented before me, I don't act because my heart is so out of tune with His. I only have such a superficial knowledge of His will and heart. I know that He loves and cares for the poor and is aching to see them treated and cared for, especially by His own children. Yet, I care and do nothing for them. I know that nothing can please Him more than for His children to go out and pour themselves out in efforts to help bring an unsaved soul to accept Christ, yet I don't do a single thing about it.
What use is my belief in God if it doesn't bring about a single change in my life? How real can my belief in Him be? One thing that I got to learn in Uganda is that there are no shortcuts. I was blessed with an immense amount of time to just read and pray. In doing so, I felt my heart soften up tremendously. There was nothing "spiritual" about it. I just felt my heart become more tender and my realization that God is a living God intensify. But when I got back home, my time in the Word dropped dramatically and praying became so much harder. And in just a short month's time, I feel my heart so calloused already. And I know that's how so many people feel right now. And even though I don't want to go another day feeling like this, I don't actually do anything about it ... so another day goes by and then another and another.
But thank God that He's still in control of my life and that I can honestly trust Him to complete in me the work that He has started. I screw up colossally every single day but I know the second I turn to Him, He'll get me back up on my feet and we'll continue as if we never skipped a beat. I hate the direction that my generation is headed towards and I hate that I actually want to head in that same direction. But I'm already 24 and accomplished nothing. As simplistic and childish as it may sound, the only thing I want to accomplish anymore is just to live everyday in a way in which I know God is happy with me. I know that if I do that, my God will do great things and help so many people that are in dire need of help that only He can provide and He'll make sure that I get front row seats to see how awesome He is.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Hmm ...
Growing up in a church your whole life you become pretty familiar with the teachings of Christianity. You are well taught about who God is, what salvation is and what you're life in response to all of it should look like. All in all, you're taught that it's a fairly simple belief and that the lessons to be learned in Christianity are simple but hard. This is what I've been taught and this is what I taught others as well.
But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I don't know a damn lick of what any of this stuff means. I've talked about the love of God to so many people, but honestly, I don't know what the love of God is. I know what it's, "supposed," to look like and feel and, to a certain degree, the effect that it's supposed to have on me. If you're to relate it to some tangible relationship, I guess a good illustration would be a relationship you have with your parent or a spouse (or what I think a relationship with a spouse should look like). It's not called love because the lovey dovey feelings are always there, although they do show up once in a while, but rather it's because you care deeply for one another and you commit yourselves to one another. In some sense, that's how it's supposed to be between God and me, right? But seriously, the idea that you can have a deep relationship with a Spirit is pretty insane. It's one thing to believe that there's a god up there who somehow got a book of rules down to us and we have to follow it, but it's a whole different story when you're told that you can have a relationship with that god right here and right now.
And the fact that so many of us talk about it so confidently just boggles my mind, as if it's just a bunch of simple x's and o's that need to be covered and then just like that we know all there is to know about this God-being and the type of relationship we're supposed to have with Him. It just doesn't make sense. If so many of us have "experienced," the love that the God Almighty has for us, how can it be so hard for us to swallow our pride and live selflessly? I understand that we're sinners, but it doesn't make sense. I freakin' love sports. As a result, I read so many blogs about it, watch so many damn games, follow so many freakin' tedious stats and so on. But it's all so enjoyable to me. If you tell me to do that much for something else that I don't like, I'll be like hell no! Those acts in an of themselves suck, but because it's all related to sports, it's all enjoyable. Isn't that how it's sort of supposed to be with our relationship with God? Dying to ourselves? That freakin' blows! But since doing that brings us closer to God, the very same being who showered us with this amazing love that we claim to have experienced, shouldn't we love doing it? But that doesn't happen. You don't see that.
It all sounds good in theory, but how is it actually carried out? How do you actually have a relationship with this God whom you cannot see? I think so much of my belief is based on what I've been taught and not on what I have learned on my own through the Bible. I've listened to a million sermons by countless number of pastors. If not my own pastor at church, then I sit and stream so many pastors around the country and read so many missionary stories and read so many freakin' books. But the Bible, yea, I don't read it nearly as much as I invest myself in other sources of information regarding God. As good as those things are, they cannot replace the Bible. Honestly, how do I know that those people preaching aren't just preaching theory? How do I know that they have truly tasted the love of God for themselves? I can't. And to be honest, I don't like reading the Bible all that much. It's so confusing! And it's so different from what I'm taught by people. There are so many events in the Bible that just don't make any sense and it definitely doesn't portray God to be the all-loving God that we're always taught.
Well, I'm just tired of typing so I'm going to end here, but this is all so frustrating. And it's weird as hell. The more I try to understand things, the more frustrated I get and the more I questions I have with no answers, yet, I know that I still need it and a deep and huge part of me wants it so badly.
But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I don't know a damn lick of what any of this stuff means. I've talked about the love of God to so many people, but honestly, I don't know what the love of God is. I know what it's, "supposed," to look like and feel and, to a certain degree, the effect that it's supposed to have on me. If you're to relate it to some tangible relationship, I guess a good illustration would be a relationship you have with your parent or a spouse (or what I think a relationship with a spouse should look like). It's not called love because the lovey dovey feelings are always there, although they do show up once in a while, but rather it's because you care deeply for one another and you commit yourselves to one another. In some sense, that's how it's supposed to be between God and me, right? But seriously, the idea that you can have a deep relationship with a Spirit is pretty insane. It's one thing to believe that there's a god up there who somehow got a book of rules down to us and we have to follow it, but it's a whole different story when you're told that you can have a relationship with that god right here and right now.
And the fact that so many of us talk about it so confidently just boggles my mind, as if it's just a bunch of simple x's and o's that need to be covered and then just like that we know all there is to know about this God-being and the type of relationship we're supposed to have with Him. It just doesn't make sense. If so many of us have "experienced," the love that the God Almighty has for us, how can it be so hard for us to swallow our pride and live selflessly? I understand that we're sinners, but it doesn't make sense. I freakin' love sports. As a result, I read so many blogs about it, watch so many damn games, follow so many freakin' tedious stats and so on. But it's all so enjoyable to me. If you tell me to do that much for something else that I don't like, I'll be like hell no! Those acts in an of themselves suck, but because it's all related to sports, it's all enjoyable. Isn't that how it's sort of supposed to be with our relationship with God? Dying to ourselves? That freakin' blows! But since doing that brings us closer to God, the very same being who showered us with this amazing love that we claim to have experienced, shouldn't we love doing it? But that doesn't happen. You don't see that.
It all sounds good in theory, but how is it actually carried out? How do you actually have a relationship with this God whom you cannot see? I think so much of my belief is based on what I've been taught and not on what I have learned on my own through the Bible. I've listened to a million sermons by countless number of pastors. If not my own pastor at church, then I sit and stream so many pastors around the country and read so many missionary stories and read so many freakin' books. But the Bible, yea, I don't read it nearly as much as I invest myself in other sources of information regarding God. As good as those things are, they cannot replace the Bible. Honestly, how do I know that those people preaching aren't just preaching theory? How do I know that they have truly tasted the love of God for themselves? I can't. And to be honest, I don't like reading the Bible all that much. It's so confusing! And it's so different from what I'm taught by people. There are so many events in the Bible that just don't make any sense and it definitely doesn't portray God to be the all-loving God that we're always taught.
Well, I'm just tired of typing so I'm going to end here, but this is all so frustrating. And it's weird as hell. The more I try to understand things, the more frustrated I get and the more I questions I have with no answers, yet, I know that I still need it and a deep and huge part of me wants it so badly.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Suxors
Sometimes, being constantly loved and cared about can feel burdensome and you just want to be ignored ... but not really.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
George Bowen
You, entertaining a certain conception of the Spirit, ask for the Spirit and suppose that His influences will all correspond with a conception that you have formed. You expect Him, for instance, to be to you a spirit of consolation, and compass you about with the ambrosial airs of paradise. You understand that He is to lift you into a supermundane ethereal sphere where poetic visions of the islands of the blessed shall come flashing upon you upon the right hand and upon the left.
But the Spirit is Truth and He must come in His true character or not at all. You have solicited His ministrations and they are not withheld. But how surprised you are when He takes you by the hand and you prepare for a rapturous ascent into the Empyrean to find that He has taken you by the hand for the purpose of conducting you down into some deep, dark dungeon-like chambers of imagery. In vain you shudder and draw back. You only discover thereby what an iron grasp He has. He bids you look upon those hideous images and observe how they body forth the great features of your past life.
One abominable statue is named selfishness and its lofty pedestal is completely carved with inscriptions of dates. You look at these dates - your Guide constrains you to - and you are appalled to find that what you regarded as the most beautiful and most consecrated hours of your past life are there; even there. There is a repulsive image called covetousness, and you say boldly, Sure I am that no date of mine is there inscribed. Alas, there are many, and some that you thought golden connecting you with heaven - anger, wrath, malice, see how the odious monsters seem to wink at you from their seats as at a well-known comrade; how the picture of your past life is made ugly on their pedestals. You have looked unbelief in the face, and frowning tell him that you know him not. Whatever your faults you have never been an unbeliever. The Spirit constrains you to observe that unbelief claims, and justly claims, the whole of your past life.
A profound humiliation and a piercing sorrow possess your heart. At least you say, standing opposite the image of falsehood, I am no liar, I hate all falsehood with a perfect hatred. The Spirit of God points you to the fatal evidence. You examine the dates and you see that some of them refer even to your seasons of prayer. At length, altogether humbled, dispirited and conscience-stricken you acknowledge that here in these damp subterranean galleries, and in the midst of these abominable images is your true home. You remember with shame the ideas with which you have greeted the Spirit, and you fall at His feet confessing all your folly. There does He raise you and lead you into the open air beneath the blessed canopy of heaven, and you find a chariot in which you may unforbidden take your place beside the Spirit and visit the places of joy that are above the earth.
But the Spirit is Truth and He must come in His true character or not at all. You have solicited His ministrations and they are not withheld. But how surprised you are when He takes you by the hand and you prepare for a rapturous ascent into the Empyrean to find that He has taken you by the hand for the purpose of conducting you down into some deep, dark dungeon-like chambers of imagery. In vain you shudder and draw back. You only discover thereby what an iron grasp He has. He bids you look upon those hideous images and observe how they body forth the great features of your past life.
One abominable statue is named selfishness and its lofty pedestal is completely carved with inscriptions of dates. You look at these dates - your Guide constrains you to - and you are appalled to find that what you regarded as the most beautiful and most consecrated hours of your past life are there; even there. There is a repulsive image called covetousness, and you say boldly, Sure I am that no date of mine is there inscribed. Alas, there are many, and some that you thought golden connecting you with heaven - anger, wrath, malice, see how the odious monsters seem to wink at you from their seats as at a well-known comrade; how the picture of your past life is made ugly on their pedestals. You have looked unbelief in the face, and frowning tell him that you know him not. Whatever your faults you have never been an unbeliever. The Spirit constrains you to observe that unbelief claims, and justly claims, the whole of your past life.
A profound humiliation and a piercing sorrow possess your heart. At least you say, standing opposite the image of falsehood, I am no liar, I hate all falsehood with a perfect hatred. The Spirit of God points you to the fatal evidence. You examine the dates and you see that some of them refer even to your seasons of prayer. At length, altogether humbled, dispirited and conscience-stricken you acknowledge that here in these damp subterranean galleries, and in the midst of these abominable images is your true home. You remember with shame the ideas with which you have greeted the Spirit, and you fall at His feet confessing all your folly. There does He raise you and lead you into the open air beneath the blessed canopy of heaven, and you find a chariot in which you may unforbidden take your place beside the Spirit and visit the places of joy that are above the earth.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Child of God
If you truly confess with your mouth and believe and trust with all your heart that the Lord Jesus Christ died on the cross for your sins and rose again to conquer death, then that is evidence that you are a child of God. You are a child of God because God called you His child. So if you're a Christian, hold onto that truth with all your might and don't let anything ever shake you in such a way that you become doubtful or unable to believe it! Stop looking at your past and all the heinous sins you've committed. Stop putting your entire focus on the present filth that you're drenched in. But know that it was by grace that you were called and it is by grace that you live and it is by grace that you will continue to live. So whatever mess you're in right now, don't try to clean yourself off by yourself and then come to God in a more presentable manner. But rather, trust in God's grace for Him to cleanse you. The gospel truth is not that you're redeemed because you believe in Jesus Christ, but because you are redeemed you are able to believe and are saved and cleansed through Jesus in order that you will be able to live a life free of sin. So your ability to live a certain life has nothing to do with your identity as being a child of God so don't ever let anything cause you to doubt who you are in Christ.
And since you are a child of God, approach Him with full confidence. Expect great things from Him! Cling onto Him and wrestle with Him like Jacob did and don't ever let go until you get blessed by Him!
And since you are a child of God, approach Him with full confidence. Expect great things from Him! Cling onto Him and wrestle with Him like Jacob did and don't ever let go until you get blessed by Him!
Friday, February 20, 2009
1 Samuel 12:20-22
And Samuel said to the people, "Do not be afraid; you have done all this evil. Yet do not turn aside from following the Lord, but serve the Lord with all your heart. And do not turn aside after empty things that cannot profit or deliver, for they are empty. For the Lord will not forsake his people, for his great name's sake, because it has pleased the Lord to make you a people for himself."
Monday, December 1, 2008
I Wonder...
Something that I've always wondered about and always wished that I had an opportunity to do was to sneak a peak into the hearts and minds of incredibly faithful people. People such as Paul and Peter and even Jesus. When Paul talks about how he pours out his heart and lives his life as a drink offering for the sake of the gospel and how he gave all of himself for his fellow brothers and sisters, I wonder what that felt like. Because I know that for me there are times when I do feel like I just pour all of myself out in a certain situation for a certain task or a certain person. I honestly feel like there was nothing else I had left to give. Yet, if I were to look back on those times in a few months or years, I find myself frequently saying, "Man, I basically did nothing. I could've done so much more." Did Paul ever feel like that after saying he poured himself out completely?
Also, were they constantly giving all of themselves over to the gospel in every situation? So often, I know the task that lies ahead. I know what needs to be done or at least, what should be done. But I feel like, my life is a life full of failures. I am never able to complete the task given to me in a refreshingly thorough fashion. For most of them, I can honestly say that even while I was carrying out those tasks, that I knew I could've given more. But is the reason that I fail because I failed to give all of myself? Because quite frankly, I don't know if I'd ever be able to do that. I'm just such a sinful person. There's too many things going on in my heart and mind that are driving me in every possible direction and I'm constantly caving in and giving in to so many of my selfish and sinful desires. I wonder what Paul and Peter's hearts were like when they were living out their lives. How strong were their faiths? Of course they had so many trials and tribulations, but what were their hearts like? Were they able to flush everything out and focus solely on Jesus? How many times were they preaching and serving and thinking at the same time that they could give more but didn't?
I'm not questioning or doubting God's Word or capabilities or faithfulness. If I fail, it's because of me. If things go wrong, it's because I didn't search God's heart hard enough to find out what He really wants me to do before acting. What I am wondering, however, is how in the world can I ever be like that? How can I give myself entirely to Jesus and completely pour myself out for others? When and how are these desires actually going to take form and become the way I live; from the inside out? I honestly want to know the struggles of those who lived their lives completely for God.
Also, were they constantly giving all of themselves over to the gospel in every situation? So often, I know the task that lies ahead. I know what needs to be done or at least, what should be done. But I feel like, my life is a life full of failures. I am never able to complete the task given to me in a refreshingly thorough fashion. For most of them, I can honestly say that even while I was carrying out those tasks, that I knew I could've given more. But is the reason that I fail because I failed to give all of myself? Because quite frankly, I don't know if I'd ever be able to do that. I'm just such a sinful person. There's too many things going on in my heart and mind that are driving me in every possible direction and I'm constantly caving in and giving in to so many of my selfish and sinful desires. I wonder what Paul and Peter's hearts were like when they were living out their lives. How strong were their faiths? Of course they had so many trials and tribulations, but what were their hearts like? Were they able to flush everything out and focus solely on Jesus? How many times were they preaching and serving and thinking at the same time that they could give more but didn't?
I'm not questioning or doubting God's Word or capabilities or faithfulness. If I fail, it's because of me. If things go wrong, it's because I didn't search God's heart hard enough to find out what He really wants me to do before acting. What I am wondering, however, is how in the world can I ever be like that? How can I give myself entirely to Jesus and completely pour myself out for others? When and how are these desires actually going to take form and become the way I live; from the inside out? I honestly want to know the struggles of those who lived their lives completely for God.
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